Mon Passé

Some of my friends keep questioning my love story because they knew about ‘best couple’ award that we got in our last SHS year and wondering how is it goes, how long does it last, how do I feel after breakup, and lalala.

There are two reasons why I can’t tell the whole story or the problems specifically, First, you might don’t know him. Second, you know him well 😸

Yeah, let mw keep them a lil bit puzzled

People who don’t know him, have to know him from their own point of views, so does who already know him i won't anyone change their point of view about him. He has a reputation that I must respect for it. 

Well, Take it easy because its only Senior High School Love story, you know... actually we were just kids when we fall in love, not knowing what it was (You sing, you lose, 👅)

You know it was already end eventually and that time I feel so emotional. Its like pain that I’m no longer somebody that he love, also fear that maybe I lost the person who’s actually right person

I said, maybe

I’m not sure if I have to be the one who ends it but our relationship isn’t fixable that time, we debate a lot of things, we’re no longer have same thing in common, but still.. my fear of leaving something, being alone and considering about my vows that I made before, keep me stuck in the F-complicated situation

Our relationship was often a long distance one. We were from the same city but study in different university & different island. Honestly, this wasn’t very difficult for me and mostly fine for him too. Because I went to my hometown twice a year and met him.

We through thick and thin, good and bad, lots of achievements we got because we supported each other (even tho he is also my competitor), at least we made beautiful 5 years. Together

But everything changed when I realized that he stopped to text me first, our conversation was cold. bitter, we stopped to communicate, we decline to fight and just let the unsolved problems stay in our hearts and minds. 

My brain doesn’t work, I was busy and love was not my priority anymore, every night I usually got myself tired after do my part-time job and STILL force myself to stay awake longer just to chat or video call with him. Which actually ended by fighting like usual

Yeah, There are minor irritations and grievance here and there, but we always seem to work things out. Because I don’t want to lose him.

When another problem came, we can’t handle it, we blame each other, but the real problem is, we realized that we have the same default emotional reaction

Basically when I was angry, give up and frustrated. Then he becomes increasingly stressed out, ... about some other aspect of his life, his organization, his reputation and his stress started spilling over onto our relationship. 

I was childish, I became short-tempered, judgmental and emotionally unavailable to him. That’s all what I know

That pain. That challenge. That puts everything into questions

“what we’ve been striving for?”

“what we’ve been trying to build together?” 

In these situations, My mind was unable to think logically, I actually just let everything go and saved my ownself from a lifetime of pain. 

My heart vs mind convo 

Heart: I love him

Mind: Meh, i can’t imagine being with someone in my whole life, externally, but internally he’s not sure he’s with the right person (he said that)

Heart: He said that he will end by marrying me, but I have to wait, till we turn 26 or 27

Mind: Meh, I can’t imagine spending my whole life with someone but in the back of his mind doesn’t think about moving forward with me. I don’t want to be his girlfriend for 5 more years.

Heart: He is busy in the afternoon, I was busy at night, I miss his phone call.

Mind: Meh, I can’t imagine spending my whole life with someone who can't put me in his first priority

My mind stated for the last time...
Mind: Alright, i think we already knew each other, we both are busy, we both give up

Once, I thought about how do I get him back,  but in another day it slightly changed into how do I move on

Ofcourse, It’s conflicted internally

I lost him, I lost us, and the worst tragedy is….. I lost me. YAS, MY SELF

Dont worry, I’m not sure if i was depressed. I mean, I’m not sad or happy either. Maybe NUMB

Hm, Is it numb?

I just, dunno, my next move should be

That time, I met another 'guy' that treat me like a queen. Which I triggered to end this relationshit asap. it doesn’t mean I love 'him'. 

I don’t know. 

Hard to explain.

Maybe I was in the situation that I want him to be like ‘him’ who made me smile of being treated queenly but I can’t explain what I want, and I'm not sure is that really what I want. so I just left him with an unsolved puzzle and hope he will understand and fix us.

Yeah I know, kinda childish girl. 

Let say that was my fault.

A cloudy december :)

____________

How do I feel after the breakup?

I’ve been addicted to the feeling of being with him and I realized that breakup was not the right solution at that time. We still contact each other, he still came to my house like we got an instant gratification

he still texted me
every day

And I still feed my addiction and thats what actually made him never feel the pain of having break up. He thinks we were OKAY

I got the sign when he asked me to come to his university (for helping him while he had a duty in Archery competition), he was so romantic. 

Well, I was happy. at least till February

But.. it was confusing thoj

😢

I’ll be honest with you: Moving on isn’t easy. 

Maybe it should be

If it wasn’t for my experience with him.

You'd think moving on is just a matter of putting the past behind us. Right?
I got what you mean, if i really want to move on, simply forget everything related to the past, ...and get over it ...and look onward to the future....And and and Keep myself busy with other things. 

but hell NO, NEVER THAT EASYYYYHH

The hardest part that I wanted to mention is Clearing our digital memories HAHA

They were everywhere

In my blog, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, etc

and staring at our photo makes me forget, why we should break up(?). I bet we looked cute together(?), a definition of a best friend and lover at the same time 

hahahahalu

Not only that, he was the one who asked me to delete them, he wanted to start a blank paper of his life, he doesn't want somebody could track his past easily. 

I said 

"Okay, don't worry"

*crying inside*

______________________

5 THINGS THAT YOU HAVE TO DO IF YOU WANT TO GET OVER HIM FASTER 

(based on my experience)

1. Find something meaningful

Yeaaah!

Go deeper on something, I let my self lost in a project that relates to my old passion which is business competition. You know what?! the fun fact is, my purpose why do I joined the competition was only to make him proud, I dunno what he was thinking about me tho. I told him, and he suggested me to create BMC and cash flow on my particular proposal (the reason why he understood was because he is a business student) and I made it. I got 20 million to run the business.🙌
Alright, Thanks Ex 💕

Beside that, i read books, ebook, and online articles that taught me something that I curious about. It’s a great way to distract myself from whatever’s going on in my love life and keep my hands busy till I can’t write any WhatsApp status (stupid fact that I usually create a private WhatsApp status that only him could see--still seek his attention).

Oh yea, you can also watch some movies that will get you through a breakup. I watched a lot of movies, and the best part is My father paid for Netflix and made my holiday in Bogor absolutely perfect. Without him.
Deepening my skill sets is also my solution to cheer me up, I wrote a blog, some poems, some short stories and I drafted them all. Because they were too cheesy to be published 

haha

Whatever.

Just try to make your progress, piece of work, life goals whatever important things you can work on, orrrr you can invest in your life, that will give you a sense of achievement and fulfillment that leads you to engage in life.

Suddenly it feels like we dedicate our time and our energy to something that is important

I’ve been trying this, I feel the intensity of the feeling of heartache just decreased and it just might make you see how bright the world can be😁💦

2. Forgive your Ex

I was angry and I perceived him hurt my heart because he said he'll never love me anymore that made me cry all night. We started the war. It's a funny war actually, I won’t describe it furthermore. At the end, I thought that he had done absolutely nothing to deserve it. I apologized right away, but I didn’t feel good about that, either. 

Overall, I never hate him, not even a little bit

This is also how I protect myself because I’ve learned a precious lesson from my past and I’ve grown to be more careful about entrusting my heart with someone else, but first, I forgive him

3. I made 'no contact period'

The purpose I made this “no contact period’ is making a clean break from him for a period of time. I start to think that there’s a person will love me after him.  But without a warning, the thought of him still entered my brain and stayed there day and night.

It’s okay. But I will do nothing. No Whatsapp, No Line, No Instagram’s direct message, No more phone call.

Ego?

Nope. Issa self respect

Even if I miss him. I hold it down and just write in my note-phone whatever I’ve been thinking about him. I also stop to reply his messages (but his “Happy birthday” text is an exception HAHA)

his name written so i made it blurry

4. Hug your support system

In any moment in my life where I’ve truly felt that sense of heartache over somebody the thing that has helped me the most is sharing my stories to my friends and parents.

as simply as, When I look at nature or when I on holiday, I always think “god I wish I was sharing with him” I often miss him when things are good or experiencing something that I know he would love and I would love to share with him. 

But Ipad 'hate' him

Even Qori, says the same thing every single i missed him.

My parent knows about everything. Especially my father, he was the one who gave me another perspective to cure my heartbreak, we talked almost 3 hours, and he said that

“I've been once in your age, let say that you fell in love with him, because he was ur role model in the school, at that time. And it’s already 5 years maybe he was bored. Maybe he found better girl and he want you to be like that girl or the better version of you. We don’t have to guess his mind because I learned that people leave, even if they’ve promised a thousand time that they won’t. That was a quote from internet actually” 

then, he laughed👿hahaha

5. Learn from your past

And at my best I’ll never be right for the wrong person, I should find the right person who will remind me my worth even at my worst.
For now, I respect my ex. We shared time and energy. I ever choose to be in his presence daily. And I realize that everyone is going to hurt me, not only my ex but I start to choose and find the ones worth suffering for. I will be open to love and be open to people leaving.

and I wish i could handle my anger, my agony, and more mature than yesterday

Cheers 💕